News flash: Conan the Barbarian, the remake of the 1982 film now in movie theaters, has been fairly well dismissed by critics, who give it on average a C-minus rating.
San Francisco Chronicle movie critic Mick LaSalle, who rated it a “D,” writes “..this movie does everything wrong,” adding, “By the way, to criticize the acting in a movie like this is a little like blaming gravity on a guy who gets thrown out a window. The actors are victims, too.”
I usually agree with LaSalle’s reviews, he’s not afraid to pin the tail on a crap movie.
So, to me, this means this second stab at the first Conan movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as the big bad ass, is just prettied up junk. Still, the original, while bad in its own right, had enough in it to make a lot of people think it was kinda good.
Hollywood noticed this, and figured it was time to dust off the Conan of Arnie past and put a new face on it.
Hollywood producers like to make remakes, because they think they’re a proven formula to score big at the box office. They figure if they introduce a recognized old title to a new generation, many people will go see it automatically.
But if the first wave of takers and the critics rip it mercilessly, word spreads fast. And pretty soon, there’s no more audience draw, and what we have is a big Hollywood whiff at hitting a box office grand slam. Like an overpaid home run hitter, the movie is just a multi-million dollar strikeout heading back to the dugout.
But in its haste to make remakes, Hollywood often forgets something important that will pull in big audiences: It has to give movie watchers what they want and expect.
Now that doesn’t necessarily mean a remake or any other feature film has to be the best movie ever made. It just means that it shouldn’t suck, pretty much. Maybe have a coherent story line, with compelling dialogue and good acting. Throw in some cool high-tech chase scenes, a little hot romance, a smattering of somewhat sanitized violence, and that’ll go far to reel in a good chunk of the movie going masses. You know this is true, Hollywood. Movie watchers are a fairly forgiving bunch. They really don’t ask for much. But give ‘em junk, and you lose your ass. Big time.
Hollywood, you might want to use a little more imagination in your older movie remakes. Sure, keep the cool Conan brand. But why not make it into a franchise with a series of remakes that, rolled together, can’t help but generate enough money to buy South America?
So Hollywood, here’s some free advice on future titles in the Conan genre, which, let’s face it, is really sagging now and will need a major lift when it’s time for that second remake.
When that fated day comes, Hollywood, do yourself a favor. Get a new Conan. Find a lead actor who doesn’t have a tan body with rippling muscles from chest to toes and a square-jawed head the size of a cinderblock. You need a Conan who is a lovable, reasonably intelligent Neanderthal seeking self-knowledge. This is a no brainer: The new Conan should be Tommy Chong.
Hollywood, these new Conan sagas can be strung together as sequels made every six months or so. Kind of like a TV series, only at the movies. The opener could be when the new Conan, wanting to figure out the religion thing, trains to become a priest, a minister and a rabbi. This would be of course… Conan the Seminarian.
That eye-popping premiere would lead to Conan’s next decision to toss all that preacher mumbo jumbo out the window and become part of a close-knit group of fanatics who believe that lifting weights gets men dates. This second in the series could be billed as… Conan the Sectarian.
Having no success with dating, Conan decides he's a rebel, and that boorish, obnoxious behavior will make him sexy. He revels in belching out the alphabet, cutting loud farts in public places, and seeing what life is like without using soap and water, in... Conan the Vulgarian.
Conan then decides he needs to know more about books. Then maybe he can read more, and gain the wisdom contained within their pages. See how he struggles to learn to read English, then goes to college where he acquires the needed certificate to manage a large inventory of books. After mastering the technique of sshhhhing people who are supposed to be quiet, he makes his dynamic new career move in… Conan the Librarian.
Conan then decides he needs to know more about books. Then maybe he can read more, and gain the wisdom contained within their pages. See how he struggles to learn to read English, then goes to college where he acquires the needed certificate to manage a large inventory of books. After mastering the technique of sshhhhing people who are supposed to be quiet, he makes his dynamic new career move in… Conan the Librarian.
After his stint at the Pacoima Public Library ends when a lack of funding shuts the place down, Conan hits the streets. He thinks hard and comes up with a life changing realization: Filmed true stories are the way to uncover bad things people do. They make the bad guys stop their blatant lawbreaking because of public embarrassment and FBI investigations. Thus a new twist is unveiled in our hero’s truth seeking in… Conan the Documentarian.
Still spiritually adrift, Conan furls his brow and does more contemplating, and it comes to him: Systematic repression of lustful desires, stuffiness and pompous conservatism just might be his cup of tea after all. Watch him try it on for size in… Conan the Victorian.
But all that repression and hot, tight clothing leads Conan to major frustrations and a nasty temper. He decides to blow off some steam with a trip to Jamaica. There he discovers the liberating effects of smoking many spliffs a day while listening to reggae music. He grows dreadlocks and enjoys a new appreciation for island life in… Conan the Rastafarian.
Still vaguely dispirited, our hero wants a philosophy that doesn’t morph his brain cells into bean dip. He is suddenly enamored with a new idea: Always do the opposite of what he used to do in the same situation. See what fireworks explode when opposite actions raise eyebrows everywhere in… Conan the Contrarian.
In the next movie, Conan discovers that not following rules reaps more rewards than most people realize. He crusades against paying any taxes and speaks out in favor of the heady notion of free will. This compelling rendition of institutionalized rebel-making is jaw dropping in… Conan the Libertarian.
Then, after finding Libertarians can be marginalized in the political arena, Conan decides to pursue a grass roots effort to convince others that even Libertarians can be civic minded. Everybody is stunned at a series of wacky attention-getting stunts he pulls in… Conan the Rotarian.
Part of his spiritual journey to enlightenment is Conan’s new appreciation for growing crops. He discovers fruits, nuts and vegetables taste really good without using pesticides to poison predatory bugs and grow bigger plants. He becomes a leader among Earth First farmers in this environmental thriller… Conan the Agrarian.
Our hero becomes even more involved in the movement toward healthy eating, even fanatical about it, deciding to eat only things growing out of the earth and nothing that ever had a pulse. This new conviction incurs the wrath of a band of rabid carnivores holding shields and wielding swords. The toughs confront Conan and threaten to make him eat a bacon cheeseburger cooked blood rare. See what happens in the digitally enhanced showdown of showdowns in… Conan the Vegetarian.
Eating lots of plants gets our contemplative hero to thinking about the life-giving qualities of water. He dreams of how great it would be to live in a van down by the river. Instead, he buys a used pickup with an ill-fitting camper on it and parks it close to his latest inspiration, a moving body of water called the Big Muddy. Lying in his cramped camper bunk, he finds an inner calm as he gazes out the window to see an ever-changing liquid brown surface. In this episode he’s found a metaphor for life that actually seems to make a little bit of sense in… Conan the Riparian.
The years go by and suddenly Conan discovers to his dismay that he’s an elderly Baby Boomer. But all his life he’s worked out, eaten healthy food, and taken his vitamins. He’s not morbidly obese. He doesn’t need diapers. He’s disease free. He’s a nonsmoking spelling bee champion in his age group, and has the chiseled physique of a much younger man without a tan. So he makes a statement about all this. He leads an impassioned crusade, chanting, “The 70s Are,” (bang-bang) “The New 40s,” (bang-bang) “The 70s Are,” (bang-bang) “The New 40s,” (bang-bang).
He catches the imaginations of like-minded Boomers across America and leads a million oldsters in a march on Washington in… Conan the Septuagenarian.
More years go by and Conan still feels as frisky as an untrainable, hee-honking jackass. Conan determines not to be shackled by age and starts another national campaign. This one is powered by his updated slogan, this time splashed across T-shirts: “The 80s are the new 50s/ so don’t call me Gramps/Granny, or I’ll kick YOU in the shins”
This time he figures he needs to show examples of his vitality. He ice dances. He ski jumps. He boxes a kangaroo. See what else he does in… Conan the Octogenarian.
And in the final story of Conan’s epic life as told in this unprecedented series of movies, he’s in his 90s. But he’s not shy about his regular growling appreciation of the fairer sex. See what creativity he has as a saucy old goat on the prowl in…
Conan the Viagrarian… the manliest old man pharmaceuticals ever produced…
C’mon, Hollywood, give it a shot.
Mark Eric Larson has written two books of essays, "The NERVE...of Some People's Kids," and "Don't Force it, Get a Bigger Hammer. To read, visit:
http://www.scribd.com/Mark%20Eric%20Larson/shelf
http://www.scribd.com/Mark%20Eric%20Larson/shelf
