Put on some pants

Editor’s Note: Below is the script of a late night TV infomercial aired during a commercial break in the movie, “My Cousin Vinny.”

A CASINO SCENE IS ON THE SCREEN. THE CAMERA MOVES IN TO DANIEL CRAIG AS A STONE FACED JAMES BOND. A SMOOTH VOICED ANNOUNCER NARRATES:

“It’s something we all strive for. For a man, it’s the key to getting attention from a woman. You know what I’m talking about. It’s being cool. It’s being hip. It’s being a man without acting like, well, femmy. This is how most men want to be seen, and why not? They want to be a man that exudes an air of QC. Yes, quiet confidence.

 So why are there so few men out there like this? Hip, cool guys in social and physically challenging situations?”

VIDEO CUTS TO A MIDDLE-AGED BARTENDER WITH SLICKED BLACK HAIR, BROAD TANNED FACE, WHITE STARCHED SHIRT, BLACK VEST. HE SMILES AS HE LOOKS ACROSS THE BAR. BEHIND HIM IS A ROW OF BACKLIT LIQUOR BOTTLES: 

Hiya men, Joey Balls here!

HE TURNS TO A SIDE CAMERA AND TALKS IN A LOWERED CONFIDENTIAL TONE:

Ya know, you gals are welcome to watch, but if you got a man in the house, it might do them good to come to the TV right now. I’ve got some good info that might help ‘em out for your benefit, if ya know what I mean. So I’m gonna talk directly to them, if ya don’t mind. Okay, so here goes.

JOEY LOOKS BACK ACROSS THE BAR AND STARTS HIS PITCH:

So guys, ya know, a wise man once said, there’s no shortage of pussy for the man that doesn’t act like one!

Well, I won’t tell you who this wise man is.

But, okay. It’s me!

Yeah, maybe I went a little over the top callin’ myself wise, but hey! Put it this way, I’m in a position to know some things! And sometimes I do crack wise, so okay, enough of the chit-chat.

Now guys, take it from me, a lifelong Manhattan bartender with a street-level PhD in human behavior: Not being a pussy is a worthy goal for every self-respecting straight male. And no, I’m not talking about house cats here.

Because when a man acts like a pussy, that means he really is a pussy! And that, truth be told, makes him unworthy of his man card. He might as well start wearing a dress. (No offense, cross dressers, nothing wrong with that. Go for it.)

So if you’re not a cross dresser, there’s nothing else to do but: Put on some pants, for Cryin’ Out Loud!

See, it’s important for a man to have a valid man card. If he doesn’t have a VMC, he really won’t command much respect, especially from a good part of the female of the species.

Guys, let me tell you a little secret: A real man is admired, especially by women who are sick to death of pussies, i.e., straight guys who suddenly act like giddy girls, petulant princesses or quirky queens.

Now don’t get me wrong, many women feel more comfortable around a man exhibiting pussy behavior. That’s because a lotta these gals are bossy, and they can easily boss a balls-free man and get no resistance. They like that. Other gals purposely hang with gay men because they don’t have to guard against unwanted come-ons from creepy skirt chasers. And that way they can talk clothes and shoes, celebrity gossip, and all the other girly talk – with a different kinda man, but technically still a man.

But guys, there are many women that prefer men that don’t act like pussies. You know, a guy with a glimmer of intelligence, an opinion, some physical fitness, who’s cool under pressure: A no BS guy who has a pair.  And who has QC.

Too many times at my bar, I watch these women see a guy show his pussy behavior, and that’s it, they have no interest.

And what self-respecting single man – that isn’t gay – wants that? Now let me be clear, there’s nothing wrong with being gay. If you’re gay, you’re gay, go for it, that’s great.

But straight men, FYI, man pussies are everywhere these days. I see ‘em at my bar all the time. These are the many “men” out there that don’t even know they’re acting like pussies. If they did, they’d be red in the face. They’d no doubt love to be clued in on what they shouldn’t do.

So just what is a pussy?

Well, funny you should ask! If you order now, you can get my best selling DVD, “How Not to be a Pussy” for $12.99, shipping included. Just call the number on the screen and operators will process your order ASAP.

Among the man card saving tips you’ll get with this incredible life changing information will be:

How to spot pussy behavior in yourself and other “men.” Here’s a preview of a few dead giveaways:

You always do what you’re told by your significant other. Because if you don’t, you’ll be the object of wrath. This is known as ball-breaking. And you can officially call yourself pussy-whipped!

You never exercise, so you’re a tubby-ass couch potato; You have no self-respect. You’re pathetic. You hate yourself so you get drunk. You’re a sad non-man.

When faced with a physical challenge of any kind, you always back away. You don’t feel like a man. Because you’re not.

Your drink of choice is an appletini, a cosmo, or a lemon drop. Or a rum and Coke. Or white zinfandel. Or “lite” American “beer.” Don’t get me started…

Whenever the shit hits the fan, you quit, walk away or blubber like a baby that just dropped a pant load. You wish you had your mommy’s teat to suck on. You’re pathetic. An embarrassment.

Any of the above sound a little too familiar? Well there is something you can do about it, and it’s just a call away!

In this value-packed DVD, you’ll find out more man enhancing behaviors that will ensure not only that everybody knows you have a pair, but they’re solid brass.

Plus, you’ll also get the inside scoop on:

• How to make sure you eliminate pussy behavior.

• How to deal with other “men” displaying pussy behavior.

• How to make sure your significant other knows that although other guys may be pussies, you’re definitely not a pussy.

Now, FYI, this isn’t to make you into some macho freak that face paints or pulls stupid frat-boy pranks. No, I’m talking just about being a real man by being one. That means when it’s time to step up to the plate, you’ll no longer get into the fetal position, whimper, suck your thumb and drool.

So act now, and learn how to join the real man’s world. And, if you’re one of the first 50 orders of my DVD, I’ll throw in a whiskey shot glass and fresh hand-made cigar from my personal walk-in humidor. Now that’s a value only a pussy would pass on!

Bob, tell ‘em how to get these balls rollin’! But first, some testimonials of my man empowering DVD:

“I never knew what a pussy I was until I saw Joey Ball’s DVD. What an eye opener! When I tried out the easy to understand recommendations, I never had so much female attention in my life!”  

Jerrod

“I always thought I was all man until I took Joey’s pussy detection test. But after a few changes, now I know I am, and I can feel the admiration around me.” Cecil

“My husband followed Joey Balls’ DVD life changing advice, and now our marriage has turned from boring to roaring! I’m finally the only pussy in this relationship! Thank you Joey Balls!”

Rachel

OK, alright, enough of the chit-chat. Go, Bob!

ENTHUSIASTIC ANNOUNCER: Right, Joey Balls! Call the number on your screen, operators are standing by. Be sure to have your major valid credit card number ready. And men, remember what Tell it Like It Is series host Joey Balls says:

Time to put on some pants!

OffernotavailabletoalllocationsclaimsmadeinthisadareonlytheopinionofJoeyBallsallsalesarefinal.

Screen returns to the prison scene of “My Cousin Vinny.”

Mark Eric Larson has written two books of essays, "The NERVE...of Some People's Kids," and "Don't Force it, Get a Bigger Hammer. To read, visit: 
http://www.scribd.com/Mark%20Eric%20Larson/shelf

You need to do this

The following is an audio recording of a recent free sales seminar by business adviser Leon, titled “Scaring up Sales,” given recently to a handful of consumer goods salesmen attending the annual Ultimate Sellout trade show in Las Vegas.

Leon, giving his presentation in a powder blue suit and plaid tie, has authored the self-published “Leon sez” Fear Series including: “Scare and Win,” “Fear Is Your Friend,” “Effective Fear,” and “Fear = Money+Power.”

Leon: Tanks folks fah comin’ today, I know dere’s lot’s ta do while heeyuh in Vegas – eat, drink, gamble, and uh, udda tings. But I knows all dozen or sos a yous who wanna heyuh what I have ta say are foist-rate sales executives. Ya know how I knows? Ya lookin’ for dat edge dat most othas don’t have. Well, let me tell ya someting. You come to da right place.

I wanna share wit ya someting today dat just might help ya beat da competition and bring ya big results every time: Feeyuh.

Because I guaranthee dere is no mowa effective weapon in ya sales pitches. Ya may be familya wit it. But I bet ya never used it ta its full potential, shall we says. I’m gonna show ya how ta convut it inta mowa sales dollahs. Even political wins. I guaranthee it.

So lemme get down ta bidness. 

OK, I got some good news. And I got some bad news. Fust, da bad news. Of coewus, we all know what it’s like ta be scayud. Not so fun, am I right? But den dere’s da good news. And that, my friends, is dat scarin' ya audience is very effective. That’s because dere aint no greatah motivatah than feeyuh. Wuhks every thime. In fact, if you knows what ya doin,’ it’ll make ya rich beyond ya dreams!

See, it is a basic human trait ta wanna feel safe. And a major pawt of feelin' safe is makin' money, having powah an' indypendence. On da udda hand, da majah pawt of feelin' unsafe is da prospect of losin' tings we like: Such as money, physical safety, owa health, owa house, owa fambly. And it’s a proven fact dat if people tink dey might lose any of da above, but ah shown a way ta pay ta avoid dat, dey will do so. Gladly.

So if we wanna help sales along, it is very helpful ta us if we give da pitch thusly. You wanna give da general drift that if da poyson don’t buy dis product or dat suhvice, or candidate, dey ah at risk, shall we say. But den you make it puhfectly cleeyuh, in a nice way, dat if da poyson buys dis product, dat person will be absolutely safe.

So dis is all about yous explainin' the scary risks of not buyin' and the safety of buyin.' And if you convince, you have no shortage of buyas of ya goods an' suhvices. Get what I’m sayin’?

Now, dis ain’t anythin’ new unda da sun. It’s been goin' on since da dawn a man. It’s da aht of puhsuadin'. Ya know what I means. Gettin' people to pay yous many American dollahs.

I’ll give ya some examples.

I sold a lot of timeshaya vacations once at an intanational resaht dat shall remain nameless. I hiyud some tough guys ta man da exit dowas of da room. I made my pitch and tol' people dey needed ta buy a timeshaya or dey couldn't leave da room. At dat point I had da bounceas all slam da exit dowas shut at da same time. Da loud noise scayud evabody. I put it in theya minds dat if dey wanted to leave, dey'd have to buy vacation timeshayas from me. 

Guess what? Dey bought many timeshayas. It wasn’t like dey wouldn’ta bought ‘em anyways. I just helped 'em dacide a lil' fastah!

What about pitches fa udda suhvices?

OK, no problem.

Tiyas. Dat's easy. Message: Ya tiyas don’t have enough tread on them ta be safe. Buy new ones o' when da roads ah wet, ya cah hydraplanes outta control and ya crash an' die at woist. At best, ya sippin' soup da resta ya life. Bettah get new tiyas.

Health Insurance. Message: Buy all ya can. Uddawise, ya get sick and can’t woik, ya lose ya home, all ya money, den ya die.

Buhgla alahms. Message: Get one. Uddawise ya lose da contents of ya home, and maybe killed if ya run inta da buhgla. If ya injah him, he sues ya and ya lose ya house.

Political candidates: Message: Dis guy will make ya money, keep ya from losin' money, and he’s a nice guy. The udda guy takes ya money an' safety, he’s a sleazebag. Dis guy is ya guy. Vote fa him.

See folks, it's simple. It wuhks. I’d be happy to sign my books and DVDs available for puhchase over heeyuh on dis table. You might wanna consider buyin' dem. (Doors slam in background) That’s because da dowas is now locked. Did you heeyuh dem just get, uh, slammed shut? Okay, ya can’t leave da room til ya buy a' least one-a my DVDs o' books! So consida howz much freedoms ya lose if ya don’t. Now dat’s a scary thought!

Thanks yous, an' have a great time while heyuh at da show an' in Leon’s favorite city, where he knows lots of people. The one and only… Las Vegas!

Mark Eric Larson has written two books of essays, "The NERVE...of Some People's Kids," and "Don't Force it, Get a Bigger Hammer. To read, visit: 
http://www.scribd.com/Mark%20Eric%20Larson/shelf